An ode to the “I don’t knows”

It feels a bit like rebellion, when someone asks you what you’re doing with your life and your answer is a simple “I don’t know”.

Why is that?

I believe it’s because our society has fed us the notion that once we reach a certain age or milestone that we must have “things” figured out. It seems as if we are all born with a built-in GPS guiding us through life. A perfectly paved road through high school, college, and into a career, marriage, and eventually family. Maybe a few wrong turns on the way but it always recalculates to get us back onto that road.

So maybe an “i don’t know” feels rebellious because in this society, it is.

A little over a week ago, I moved to Los Angeles, California. Moving here was a big step because it’s the first time I’ve travelled without getting a return flight home.

I came out here knowing God had big things for me. I didn’t know what they were but knew that this was the step He wanted me to take.

For some silly reason, I assumed once I got here things would all fall into place – I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything, once I got here I felt so out of place. I felt like I had made the wrong choice and had gotten myself in over my head.

Truthfully I did get myself in over my head but that’s the funny thing about Jesus. He knows what we can handle when we don’t know.

Today I had reached a point of numbness where I finally said, I give up. It sounds dramatic and maybe it is, but I felt so inadequate for the work I’m doing that I didn’t know if I could give of my emptiness anymore.

Thankfully Jesus knew.

He knew how I was feeling and He knew that I was done. He knew I was at the end of my ropes. He knew that I was numb. He knew that I needed something.

He knew that I needed Him.

When I didn’t know, He did.

I went to a gathering at Mosaic in Hollywood and was struck.

Every detail of the evening was so intentional and it was the first time since being here that I felt a peace in my not knowing.

It’s scary not knowing but I can feel at peace in my I don’t knows, because God knows and I can trust that.

I’m learning that an “I don’t know” sometimes is the best answer. An honest “I don’t know” gives Jesus the space to step in and provide the answers to all of our questions.

So. Why am I saying all of this?

If you’re still reading, I hope you feel encouraged. I hope you feel challenged to break the “norm” of this society. If you’re struggling with not knowing, I hope you can know one thing – that Jesus knows.

It’s okay to not know.

It’s brave to not know.

You’re doing better than you think, and you’re big break is just around the corner of your “I don’t know”.

You are so incredibly loved.

-B

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