White Noise

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.

Where do i even begin?

Okay. So over the last couple of weeks, we have covered the topics of Hearing God’s voice, Lordship, Prayer, and Relationships. And it has been absolutely wild.

So i will just give you a quick recap and then maybe say a couple more words. Okay? cool.

During Hearing God’s voice week it was super cool to be able to learn the different ways to hear God’s voice better and actually sit, listen, and hear from Him. It blew my mind how even just my view of who God is changed over the course of a couple of days. I also got an answer to a question that had been a pretty heavy weight on my shoulders. It’s so nice to no longer have the stress of that question hanging over my head.

In between that week and Lordship, i experienced several mental spiritual attacks that were very scary. I won’t go into much detail but it was definitely not like anything i had ever experienced before.

During those attacks i had to learn to trust God to fight my battles for me and to be there with me during times of insane amounts of fear.

Thankfully after that weekend i have not experienced any more attacks. All glory goes to God for that.

As we entered into Lordship week, we didn’t know what to expect.

Our speaker for the week was absolutely WILD. A God loving firecracker(to say the least). There are no adequate words to describe Mr. Mark Parker but boy oh boy he was insane.

The majority of that week was a lot of just pure information. From Monday to Thursday we got HEAPS of information about nearly everything. From Genesis to Revelation, the trinity, the stages of being a follower, and the temple.

Then Friday came along and all ***heaven broke loose.

Giving, worshiping, confessing, breakthrough, more worshiping, praying, eating, and more worshiping and breakthrough.

We went for 17 hours.

Boy, was it liberating. Painful and full of tears? Yes. But still liberating.

That Saturday i practically slept all day. We were all too emotionally exhausted to do anything.

Sunday we packed and Monday we headed out to a beautiful Macadamia nut farm in Maleny for the week!

It was absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous. We explored for a little bit throughout the trees and got to see some wild kangaroos, which i guess is pretty cool? (who am i kidding, we all pretty much freaked)

And then we got into it. The first night I prayed for 9 consecutive hours and didn’t sleep at all. The next night i prayed for 3 consecutive hours and then finally went to sleep after having been awake for over 45 hours(never again). After a peaceful yet powerful week at the farm we headed home.

Spent a very relaxing, well needed weekend at the beach and then geared up for Monday.

The next week we covered the topic of relationships. And to be completely honest i cried through most of it. It’s incredible how God orchestrates our lives so well, so that we can learn from each other. I started full on water works crying when our speaker shared her testimony. It’s so comforting to be continually reminded that you’re not alone in your struggles. The power of just sharing your testimony and then praying over someone who is going through the same thing is insane. It’s so beautiful to see such a powerful anointing on people’s lives. Our speakers for sure had such a powerful anointing.

Just their testimony alone of trusting God through the absolute hell they have been through is incredible.

That weekend was spent doing random bits of everything including a large craving for cake. Not gonna lie, Natalie and i devoured 2 whole cakes. We got 3 cheap cakes from Aldi and just went for it. Not a bit of regret. All after having walked all around the Plaza for a bit and spending an hour or so at the beach.

That Sunday Nat and i rode our bikes to the markets and walked around for a bit. Then came back and Bailey, Marlena, and i prepped dinner(Pumpkin soup, yum!). Then the night was spent relaxing and hanging out.

This past week was so quiet. The other school went to Byron for the week so half of our group has been missing. And as much as i love the peace and quiet, and not being annoyed by the boys 24/7, we all miss them. Very much.

So that’s pretty much the breakdown of everything but…

I wanted to take a second to talk about everything that has been going on in my heart. And you will have to bear with me. This is going to be very raw and as i’m beginning to write this bit, i’m already in tears.

I have encountered so much cleansing and healing from things i have gone through as well as finding forgiveness and restoration from things i have done. There has been a wiping clean of my slate from all shame and regret. There have been times where i have felt closer to God than i ever have before as well as times where i have never felt further. Unfortunately that is the reality of life. There have been times where i have never felt more sure of my faith and times where i have doubted it.

The problem with mountain top experiences, is you have to go through a valley in order to keep on moving in your faith. You can’t climb another mountain unless you go down and walk through a valley first.

“We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

As i am writing this i feel as if i’ve hit the deepest valley i’ve ever walked through. After 6 very emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausting weeks of pure high on God, i’ve reached a low. “Rockbottom” as some would say. Although i’m still surrounded by great people and i’m in an incredibly beautiful place, i am in a rut. And don’t get me wrong, i’m so thankful to be where i am and with the people i am with. But, sometimes it gets dang hard.

I’m starting to really miss being home and being comfortable.

I’m starting to get irritable.

I’m starting to doubt God’s provision.

And in turn, i’m starting to doubt God’s character and who He is.

Sometimes i feel like all that’s going on in my head is white noise. And sometimes my relationship with God feels like that white noise.

I’m not saying all of this so that you will comfort me or remind me of who God is and blah blah blah.

I’m saying this because maybe you feel the same way? Maybe God hasn’t come through in an area of your life that you need Him to. Maybe you’re in a valley.

Well friend.

You’re not alone.

I love God with all of my heart, soul, and mind. And i have had to humble myself before Him countless times. But i’m here to say that I am not perfect and I am walking through this struggle.  I have been praying, interceding, and constantly choosing to trust God even if i don’t see any signs of hope.

It can be very hard to keep your faith when you don’t see Him.

When you have been seeking God and diligently obeying Him but still haven’t seen provision, it can be hard to trust that His word is true when it says in Hebrews 11: 6 “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.”

It can be difficult to keep your faith when you so clearly see and hear Him one week and then feel like you can’t hear or see Him at all the next week.

There have been times where i have thought, “What if this is all a hoax?” “What if we are just making all of this up?”

What if we are all just crazy?

Maybe we are.

no.

We definitely are.

But you know what? Despite all of the craziness. And despite the valleys.

I am still choosing to believe that God is still on the throne.

I am still choosing to believe that God wouldn’t have brought me this far, to just leave me now.

I am still choosing to believe that God is going to provide for outreach.

I am still choosing to believe that God’s word is true.

I am still choosing to believe that God is worth being trusted.

I am still choosing to believe that God loves me and cares for me.

I am still choosing to believe that God sees me.

And I am still choosing to believe that God is real and that He is here.

As i walk through this valley, i am choosing to rejoice in the pain.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12

“Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” Hebrews 13:5-6

I don’t have anything inspiring to say.

All i want to communicate through this is that you are not alone.

I am still hiking through this valley and i’m sure many others are as well.

I am not perfect. And you are not alone.

Sorry that might have been a bit heavy, but that is all my brain can put together to say.

You’re a winner.

all my love,

b

Here’s a picture of me and my fav gal pals, Nat dog(Natalie) and Bay leaf(Bailey). I honestly don’t know what i’d do without them, and they’re pretty, and this picture is from a hike at 5am so yep. cool. k bye.

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